The Great North Swim

Today is the Great North Swim and one of our friends, Mike, is taking part in memory of Erin to raise money for a cause very close to our hearts - Aching Arms. I have written about the work that Aching Arms do to bring comfort to bereaved parents in previous posts. They give teddy bears to bereaved mothers to let them know that they are not alone or forgotten.

 I received my bear on the 20th February - over 4 months ago. She is called Maisie and was donated by Maisie's parents in memory of their precious daughter in order to give comfort to another grieving parent. Well, in this case, that grieving parent was me and Maisie bear truly does bring me comfort. Every night since receiving her I have gone to bed holding her tightly in my arms and it always amazes me each morning when I wake up and she is still tighly grasped there. I think this shows how much I need her and how much she means to me. I never let go - even in my sleep. Maisie bear has been to the Lake District twice with my husband and I and a few weeks ago even  came on a hen weekend with me. This was the first time I had been away from my husband since Erin's death and I was very anxious about it - but Maisie bear helped ease some of those nerves. She was a reminder of the support I have and the fact that even when it may feel like it, I am never alone.

I have received so much lovely support from friends, family and people that I have never met before since Erin's death, yet I never cease to be overwhelmed and truly grateful for it. Mike's swim this afternoon is going to be tough, wet and cold and yet he is doing it for little Erin. On twitter hundreds of people have retweeted the fundraising page and so far enough money has been raised to send 28 bears to grieving parents in memory of Erin. This is amazing and means so much to us. The thought that our gorgeous little girl can help bring comfort to others who are experiencing the horrendous grief and pain of losing their most precious baby is amazing. In fact, it is what Erin's Gift is all about - our gift to Erin is our fundraising in her name and Erin's gift to those who need it is the money and awareness that we raise. Through Mike's swim, the generous donations of others and the wonderful work of Aching Arms little Erin will be helping other people at a time when they really need it and that means more to me than I can express in words.

Here is Mike's fundraising page - please take a look and donate if you can http://www.justgiving.com/MikeESwim and you can find out more about the work of Aching Arms here http://www.achingarms.co.uk/.

T-shirts, mugs and more

I am so excited about the new Erin's Gift products that are now available. You can buy mugs, keyrings, bibs and t-shirts in various designs. The aim of these products is to raise awareness of the work we are doing in Erin's name and to raise money for the wonderful Ronald McDonald House at Alder Hey Children's Hospital. You can buy the products here http://www.littleponypromotions.co.uk/erins-gift-21-c.asp but here is a sneak peak of a few of the products. I love them all!

I really find it quite overwhelming that you can now buys these products - my little girl is really making a difference. Thank you so much for your continued support xxx

Do Something Amazing......

Logging onto twitter this morning I saw that it is International Blood Donor day. Straight away I knew that this was something I had to get involved in. I have been a blood donor since I was 18, but it was not until little Erin was in intensive care and dependent on the generosity of blood donors to make it through each day that I truly understood just what an amazing thing it is to do.

So today I have made it my mission to try and encourage more people to give blood - every pint donated is so precious, that even if only one person reads this blog entry or sees one of my tweets and books themselves into a blood donor session I will view it as a job well done.

I have seen two sides of blood donation - I have been the donor and I have been the fearful mother of a recipient who required blood tranfusions on a daily basis in order to survive. I am going to tell you a little about each of these experiences.

For me, donating blood is easy. For those of you who have never donated blood, I will tell you what happens. I go online to http://www.blood.co.uk/ and enter my postcode. This tells me when and where the next local blood donation session will be taking place. I then book onto that session online - it really is that simple. On the day of the session I turn up and sign in at the desk then sit in the waiting area and drink a big glass of water. If it is your first session you will need to answer some questions to ensure your eligibility to give blood. Details of these can be found on the website.

When my name is called a friendly nurse takes me to a private area and asks me some questions about my recent health. They also take a pinprick of blood from my finger in order to test my haemoglobin levels. If all is okay I am ready to go. I am taken to lie down on a bed, the area on my chosen arm is numbed and the blood is taken - approximately 470ml. Afterwards I am given a drink and a biscuit in the waiting area and am able to book my next appointment for 3 months time. The whole process takes about 45 minutes.....that is all. Just 45 minutes of your time once every 3 months to help save lives. It really is an amazing thing to do.

The other side of blood donation is much more terrifying. I understand that some people are scared of needles and that the idea of donating blood is anxiety provoking, but I can promise you that this is the better side of blood donation to be on. Being on the other side, the side where your life or the life of someone you love with all your heart depends on the generosity of people you have never met giving up 45 minutes of their time every 3 months is desperate and terrifying. Little Erin was on an ECMO machine for the last 2 weeks of her life as her heart and lungs were unable to work on their own. The blood flow through this machine was closely monitored 24 hours a day and Erin required regular blood tranfusions. She also received platelets on a regular basis. We were told that when Erin was better her blood group would be tested again as she had received so many tranfusions that it was possible it may have changed from that which she was born with. As you are aware, tragically Erin never did get better...but many, many patients who receive blood transfusions do and one of the reason they get better is because of the blood they received. Quite simply, it is because of blood donors.

You can find out more about blood donation, where to do it, the eligibility critieria and how it is used here http://www.blood.co.uk/index.asp. I hope you will consider doing something amazing today.

Making progress....

Once again I have to apologise for not updating my blog recently. Although I have been quiet on here things have been moving along with regards to our fundraising and I am very glad to be able to update you with two exciting pieces of news today!

The venue for our Imagine Appeal charity auction has been booked. It will take place on Friday 19th October at Fylde Rugby Club, Lytham St Annes. It is a truly lovely venue and has a capacity of 150 so we need to start selling tickets soon. All proceeds will go directly to the Alder Hey Imagine Appeal and I hope we can raise lots of money for them. The evening will consist of the auction, a raffle, food, live music, dancing and ultimately raising as much money as we can in memory of our precious little girl. Tickets will cost £10 per person.We continue to receive really generous donations of prizes and will continue to make requests for more over the coming months.

My second piece of news is that the Erin's Gift t-shirts are ready and on sale through the company who made them. They cost £10 each and proceeds will go to Ronald McDonald House Charities. I really love them and hope that you will too. There are four designs in total - two for women and two for men. Please take a look and consider buying one, not only to raise money for a wonderful cause, but also to help spread the word of what we do as Erin's Gift http://www.littleponypromotions.co.uk/

If you do buy a t-shirt I hope you will wear it and tell people about the work that we are doing in Erin's name. If possible please ask people to google Erin's Gift to take a look at my blog and also to follow me on twitter @ErinsGift. Thank you

It seems poignant to me these two important developments in our fundraising have occured over the last few days as two days ago marked 6 months since Erin passed away. This makes me feel so sad and I can't really believe that so much time has passed. I feel in many ways as though my life has stood still and been on pause since I lost my little girl. I am certainly not the same person I was before she died and my life is far from how I thought it would be now. I thought I would be spending my days watching little Erin grow, instead I spend them tweeting in her memory and trying to raise awareness of Turner Syndrome and the charities who helped us. These developments help me to realise that although it may feel like it at times, my life has not stopped. Erin was never given the chance to make the impact on the world that I know she could have done, but we are continuing to make things happen in her name. I am proud to say that Erin's Gift has now raised over £6500 for some amazing charities and it is still just the beginning.....

"There is no foot too small, that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

- Unknown 

How things could have been....

I'm sorry I have not blogged for a while. I have been busy organising things for our auction which is taking place in October. We will be raising money for the wonderful Alder Hey Imagine Appeal - a charity close to our hearts. Erin was admitted to Alder Hey Children's Hospital when she was 1 day old and she spent the rest of her life in their kind and loving care. I am hoping that we can raise a lot of money for them. We should have the venue confirmed soon and continue to get amazing donations of prizes from twitter.

Often when I have been organising things since little Erin passed away, I am struck by how things could have been and the things that I should be organising in their place. This first occured when arranging Erin's funeral which took place on 12th December 2011. I spent hours and hours trying to find the perfect hymns, the perfect songs and the perfect readings. I felt like there were so many things that I was no longer going to be able to do for my most precious little girl that I had to make her funeral the best that is possibly could be. I poured all the love and pride that I felt for her as well as all the anguish and torment that I felt at her death into the planning of that day; all the time thinking that this was so wrong - that no one should have to plan their child's funeral. I couldn't help but think that I should be planning her christening instead - this was the normal thing for a new parent to do and was something that I had thought about when pregnant. Where would we hold it, who would do the food, what kind of outfit would Erin wear......I never got to make those decisions. Instead of organising a christening to celebrate the birth of my beautiful baby girl, here I was organising her funeral. It all felt very wrong and so very cruel.

I have been struck by similar thoughts whilst organising the auction. It is to take place in October, shortly before Erin's first birthday. I can't help but think that this is what I should be organising instead - a party to celebrate the first year of my gorgeous girl's life. Instead we will be raising money in her memory; money for a truly wonderful hospital who help thousands and thousands of children every year. I will always wish that we could be doing this fundraising with little Erin in our arms, but as we cannot we will do it proudly in her name - as ever inspired by her wonderful spirit, her amazing bravery and our immense pride at being her mummy and daddy.

Feeling supported

It is now almost 5 months since Erin passed away - she would be coming up to 6 months old. I see pictures of babies born around the same time and wonder what Erin would be doing now. Would she be able to roll over? Would she be babbling away? How big would she be? I will always wonder these things - all the little details about my beautiful daughter that I will never get to find out. Some of them are the most basic things, like her eye colour. Her eyes were a deep dark blue when she was born, but maybe they would have changed? Her hair was a dark blonde, just like daddy's - maybe it would have got lighter? It hurts that I will never know these things. As grateful as I am for the time that I got to spend with little Erin and the opportunity I was given to find out some things about her, I am also angry and desperately sad at the things I will never know. I will always be left wondering.....

So it is almost 5 months since we left Alder Hey with empty arms and broken hearts. I have written before about the lovely staff that cared for Erin whilst there, but today I received  phonecall that has reminded me of the other wonderful staff we came into contact with. These are the team that no parent wants to know - the team that support parents following the death of their child. They rang to ask how we were doing and whether there was anything that they could do to help us. We are being well supported by our local hospital, where Erin was born, so do not really need anything from them - but it was so lovely that they asked. The grief of losing a baby can be so lonely and make you feel so empty inside that it is nice to know that we are being thought of.

The job they do must be so difficult, but it is so important. The day following Erin's death is a bit of a blur to me - we were taken by the bereavement support worker to the town hall where we had to register Erin's birth and death in the same appointment. We were given a memory box to put Erin's things in and helped take foot and hand prints of our darling daughter to keep forever. These are now among my most treasured possessions and are something that I would never have thought to ask for. Just the other day I began to panic that I couldn't remember what Erin's feet looked like or how long her toes were. Then I remembered that I had these prints and I was able to go and look. I have even had them made into a necklace which I wear always.

These things are so important, but in the depths of their grief a parent is in no position to think of them.  I really admire the work of the bereavement support team and am so grateful to them now that they helped create some momentos of our precious girl that will stay with me forever. The importance and meaning of what they do can never be underestimated.

When you have your baby in your arms, footprints, handprints and locks of hair may not seem like much. When you no longer have your baby, they mean everything!

Aching Arms

I am really happy to tell you about our latest fundraising effort - well, I say our, but really it is all down to a friend Mike who is taking part in the Great North Swim in June and asked if he could use it to raise money for Erin's Gift. Of course I said yes without hesitation and knew immediately which charity I wanted him to swim for - Aching Arms.

I have written about Aching Arms at length in a post before. They are a wonderful charity set up by the lovely Leanne following the loss of her son James. They aim to bring hope and comfort to bereaved mothers' aching arms by giving them a teddy bear to hold. Each bear is given in memory of another precious baby's life lost too soon and is a gift from one mother to another. I was given a beautiful bear in memory of baby Maisie and each and every night I fall to sleep holding Maisie bear tightly in my arms.

My previous post about how much Maisie bear and the work that Aching Arms do can be found here http://erinsgift.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/today-i-got-received-some-comfort.html

I really hope Mike is able to raise lots of money through sponsorship for his swim. For each £10 that is donated another bear in memory of Erin will be given to a mother needing comfort. Of course, the bear will never replace the precious baby that has been lost, but that is not the aim. The bear will be something for the mother to squeeze tight and hold as she cries and thinks about her dearly loved and much wanted baby who is no longer in her arms. It will remind her that she is not alone...that somewhere out there, there is another mother who has experienced similar loss and who has given this bear to her with the greatest love she has....the love for her most precious child.

Please take a look at Mike's fundraising page and donate/share it if you can http://www.justgiving.com/MikeESwim. You can also sponsor him by texting ERIN62 followed by £1, £2, £3, £4, £5, £6, £7, £8, £9 or £10 to 70070. Thank you.

"While I sleep, I dream of you, and when I wake,

I long to hold you in my arms"